Tuesday. Next stop: Virgin Islands (2,700 nautical miles away)

Today has been a relatively lazy one. The first of 6 non-stop days at sea really meant there was no major timetable we had to keep to, so a lot of the time has been spent lazing on the bed, reading or just looking out of the window, watching the ocean slip by the way a crouton must feel in a never ending sea of soup.

There have been a couple of highlights however; first of all we started our chocolate making workshop, which is hosted by a rambunctious Jeremy Clarkson lookalike called Jerry – This first day consisted mainly of eating different dark (and a couple of milk & white) chocolates and learning about their provenance etc. The main gist of it all was – buy more expensive chocolate as the producers, even as part of the Fair Trade deal, get next to nothing for a huge amount of work and so are starting to change crops to earn more money, meaning chocolate will become scarcer and then more expensive – but a few “premium” chocolatiers are doing more to offset this trend and are treating the farmers better…. There are a few holes in his theories, but at least it means eating very nice chocolate!

After chocolating, we wandered about, got some lunch and then decided to have a bash at table tennis before a tournament a little later on (which we didn’t want to enter). We got up there and met Rex, a lovely old boy who likes nothing more than playing a little ping-pong with anyone who wants a game. The 3 of us played a couple of games and were just getting into it when we suddenly realised we were surrounded by people and were apparently part of the tournament.

I am very proud to say that I was knocked out (by Jo) in the first round. She however made it to the Quarter Finals. Go Jo!

We left before the end of the tournament as it was the fabled Captains Reception and Dinner. Not knowing what to expect, we went back to the cabin, dressed ourselves up and went to meet the Master of the Thomson Dream – Captain Hugh Maynard. When we got there, we found a long queue of people ready to go into the Broadway lounge where the proceedings proceeded. While in the queue we seemed to get our pictures taken just shy of a million times – one set with the two of us looking lovely in front of a plain background, another set with the two of us still looking lovely in front of the ‘Titanic Staircase’ backdrop (why? I mean, yes – it’s very grand but… We’re not on the Titanic, and I can’t help but think that this is a good thing. Ahh well…). Then we got up to the front to meet Captain Haddock, who very nicely said hello, asked if we were having a nice time, and then assumed the position so we could all be snapped together. Then we were whisked through into the lounge where we took our seats for a very interesting/tedious (I’m still not sure which) introduction to all the department heads (head house keeper, clap clap clap; head waiter, clap clap clap; the bursar, clap clap clap etc. etc.) before the main man himself walked on stage to say hello (clap clap clap). This was all accompanied by a complimentary glass of wine (which didn’t mean as much to us as we have the drinks package anyway). Then off we all trooped to the Orion restaurant for the Gala Dinner (which was much the same as any other dinner, only we all looked nicer than usual).

As soon as we could escape, we took our leave and made it back to the cabin to change (my suit seems to have shrunk since I bought it a few years ago…), and then went off for our usual appointment at the daily quiz with the Manchesters. This quiz was about Celebs and we did ok – I think we finished in the top 5 or so. While this was going on, the assistant cruise director, Katy, came over and asked if we wanted to take part in tonight’s Game Show called Time of Our Lives. As it was about the 60’s, 70’s, 80’s & 90’s it wasn’t quite so much about my life as it was most of the other people about, but what the hell – I put my hand up to be the 90’s team captain, not knowing what that meant…

What it meant was I went up on stage with 3 other contestants who each had been given a decade. The audience was then split into 4 parts – each part being given a decade/captain. Sadly, Jo was right over in the 70’s, so I’d be getting support from strangers, but everyone is so friendly it didn’t matter.

The idea was that we were asked a question relating to each decade and we all had a small amount of time to go out to our teams to get help with the answer – each decade was split into a theme, Music of the 60’s, films of the 70’s, Smash Hit’s headlines of the 80’s and TV of the 90’s. It was all a bit frantic and funny, involving lots of dashing about and some banter between us all – but at the end (thanks to some help from a lady on the 80’s team) I answered the final question correctly which made me win! That’s right - I am the Thomson Dream’s Time of our Lives Champion of 2013!!!

The prize was a lovely Thomson Cruise tote bag and a bottle of wine. Woo!

There’s not much else I could put that wouldn’t be a downer after that triumph, so I’ll leave today there and say I AM THE CHAMPION!!!

Monday. Or ‘Putting the Fun in Funchal’

Today we woke up with a beautiful island outside the window. We had made it to Madeira and things were looking up – I almost felt human again!

After a lovely breakfast of fruit and pancakes, we made our way down to disembark. This was one destination that we didn’t seriously feel the need to prebook excursions for – people had told us it’s a 20 minute walk to town, and once there you can sort things out yourselves, so that’s exactly what we did.

The stroll in was leisurely, walking and talking with a nice Welsh couple we’d met in The Queue on day one. We made it into town, past a barrage of taxi drivers touting for business, and to the famous gondola station. We realised we’d need a little cash when we got to the top, so I ran off to get some while Jo bought the tickets.

As I wandered the streets I quickly saw why people love this city, this Island – it’s beautiful. A lot like Palma in Mallorca - with its vibrant feel amidst lovely crumbling buildings, what’s not to like?!

When I got back, we took a couple of minutes to call home and send our love, then onto the Gondola and up the mountain.

What a view. What. A. View. Creeping almost silently up above banana trees, houses and gardens, hearing sheep bleating below, seeing the ship shrink from a massive white lump into a… tiny white lump…

Once we’d made it to the top, we took a couple of pictures & admired the view, then set off looking for the (in)famous toboggans that would take us 2km back down the mountain… Plenty of people on the boat had told us they weren’t doing that, but they just seemed like old fogeys – what could be dangerous in sitting in a wicker box that’s bolted to a wooden sled which is towed/ridden by two big men wearing boater hats a mere 2,000 meters down a tarmacked public road at what turned out to be a remarkably steep angle?

Well as it turned out, nothing – we were fine. Terrified possibly, but fine. There were more than a few parked cars and ancient bits of a brickwork that came within millimeters of being all sorts of scraped up, but better to barely miss than barely hit, ay?

When the ride was over and we’d stopped panting and giggling from the rush, we got out of the toboggan and continued our trip down the mountain and back to the town – funnily enough, although we’d come 2km down from the top, the boat looked no bigger than it had from where we’d climbed in, so we knew it was still a bit of a trek – and as it was such a hot day, we knew we should stop at the first welcoming watering hole to replenish fluids and rest from the sun… The first one we found may not have been the most welcoming, but it would have to do we decided.

The little wizened old woman behind the counter looked a little annoyed that we might come in and interrupt her day-time TV, but gamely poured us each a glass of the local delicacy* - Poncha.

Ahh Poncho. It looks like orange juice, and tastes like a kick to the head with rum-flavoured hob-nailed boots. Just what I needed on the remains of a hangover with a long walk down the hill ahead of us. Still though, it gave Jo and I something to giggle at some more, and almost certainly made the rest of the walk pass much quicker…

Once we stumbled down the rest of the way, we spent a little time exploring some shops before wandering into the old market – which was simply amazing. Stalls in every directions selling almost identical fruit and veg, offering little tastes to anyone passing by in the hope they’d feel guilty enough to buy some – which seems to work well enough, and is a scam worth falling for as the best fruit is simply delicious. We tried mango (average), tomatina (not my thing) and passion fruit (delicious) as well as the best bananas we’ve ever eaten.

They were amazing! Tiny little locally grown things which were sweeter, tangier and firmer than any I’ve ever had before. I know it’s odd to wax lyrical about a simple banana, but simple this was not! If you ever have the opportunity to try bananas of Madeira then grasp it with both hands and only let go to peel the fruit. Past the fruit stalls was a large open Fish Market which was filled with Scabbard Fish (?) – perhaps the ugliest fish ever seen, but it is the local favourite. There are painting and murals dedicated to these beauties all over the city...

Once we’d seen the fish we went upstairs, past a hundred (I exaggerate) more fruit stalls (and dried chilli stalls, tat stalls, postcards, vegetables and random other sellers), to a nice little café which offered a glass of Madeira and a slice of Madeira cake for a couple of Euro…

The wine has never been a favourite of mine, so I had just a sip of Jo’s and we shared the cake which was really lovely, and I ordered another drink I’ve not come across – Crushed sugar cane with lemon.

The waitress pulled out a length of cane and fed it into a juicing machine, which then piddled out a glassful of white liquid to which she added the juice of half a lemon… So essentially it was lemonade. It could have done with another lemon or two, but on the whole it was very refreshing and something I would have again.

When we were replete, we got up and headed off to find something more substantial for lunch, and it seemed that every single restaurant and café owner knew that would be our plan as they all sent someone out to try and entice us into their fine establishments. “Some food, sir? We have the best in all Funchal” “Ahh, you avoided that place like the connoisseurs I can see you to be, why don’t you step inside and I’ll fix you something nice” “You look hungry, perhaps a bite to eat?” “A little drink in here sir? Madam? It is delicious”… It became increasingly hard to say the word NO without being rude, so eventually we ducked into a sort of quaint/naff/sweet/hilarious restaurant done in the style of traditional Madeiran peasant food… Actually, it was very nice – the waitress was very helpful (identifying fish we’d seen at the market and finding translations for other treats we’d eaten) – the only problem being the size of the portions: they were immense. I was still not feeling 100% so I ordered (please start laughing) a salad. I couldn’t finish it. It was liberally dotted with pickled tuna and I can’t help but think that it was the best part of a shoal rather than one fish…

Ahh well - first world problems, ay?

When we were done there it was off for more wandering the old town, stopping in a bar called Arsenal, which I thought was funny, for a drink and a bit of free wifi on the side, before meandering back to the boat before being left behind at 3:30.

(It’s ok, we made it… phew!)

That night we met up with a couple of Manchesterites, John and Sheila, who we met on the Saturday night for the quiz at 19:30 (we came joint second… ish…) then went to dinner with them in the Orion Restaurant on deck 4 which was very nice. After that we all went to see some comedy performed by Andre (not the giant) who was something out of 80s – a comedy magician who I fully expected to be awful, but who had us all in stitches throughout.

When the curtain came down, John and Sheila were all up for carrying on, but us young’uns were just plain knackered so called it a night – I think I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

*Hooch

Sunday. Or ‘Worst things happen at sea’

I won’t write too much about Sunday. Suffice it to say I ruined myself the night before and was barely able to leave the cabin – when I did, it was to lie forlornly on deck, or running to the nearest bathroom.

Go me.

Worse still, at some point Jo remembered that the night before, I had agreed with another couple to do the pub quiz with them in the evening. Which I just could not go to. So Jo went alone to a Movie quiz and came 5^th. Apparently, it would have been 1^st if I was there. Whoops! To redeem myself I am going to another quiz tomorrow – which is all about celebrities.

Umm…..

Bugger.










P.S.
Is it just me, or does my new best friend look remarkably like a hippo? A hippotoiletmus? Bogopotomus? Hippoportaloo? 

Saturday. Or ‘Departure, Arrival and Settling in’

Blogging at sea… Unfortunately there isn’t a very strong internet connection from the boat, and it costs quite a bit to use, so I’m uploading a few days at a time when we can. Pictures will be added later so hold your horses!

So at the crack of Sparrow fart on Saturday morning, up we got. It did not feel real.

We got to the train station, collected our tickets and boarded the train to Gatwick. It still did not feel real.

We arrived at the airport (which apparently means Field of Goats?!) and went through to departures. Still not real.

Only when we went for our obligatory and very necessary G&T did things start to sink in… You see, we have a tradition of always stopping for a G&T on our way to a holiday. It gets you in the mood, it feels all kinds of naughty* (we’re normally there way before the sun has kissed the yard-arm) and it's generally a nice thing to do. This time we went to Jamie’s Bar in the North Terminal... Just as we’d ordered, I noticed they also sold Chapel Down’s Curious Brew – a really delicious lager made with champagne yeast, but alas it was too late to change the order as the barman had begun his work. Ahh well never mind.

Then, just as I was turning to leave he plonked a bottle of the lovely stuff down in front of me, said “you’re absolutely right – it’s delicious” and gave me a grin.

That’s right people – This honeymoon started off with FREE BEER!

Happy days :D

Then we were off to the gate, through the last checks and on the plane. Finally it started to actually feel real – we are going on our honeymoon!

Next stop – Lisbon. Now, some people may well know this already, but Jo and I almost moved to Lisbon instead of Brighton several years ago – so it’s long held affection for us. Unfortunately neither of us have ever been, so we were really looking forward to making our first stop there where we could meet up with some friends Rob & Maria, who would show us some of the sights and generally send us off with a grin. Unfortunately Thomson had other ideas, and we were expertly herded off like cattle from the plane to the coach to the docks and into ‘the queue’…

Note the emphasis there. This was no ordinary queue – for us it was big (and cold – Lisbon was not warm while we were there), but for other, more experienced cruisists it was gobsmacking. We were lined up for about an hour and a half outside, which was a shame – but once we made it into the building it was more comfortable. First we were handed our room keys and boarding passes, then we slowly made our way up to what we thought was all very important information about the cruise, but was mainly just trying to upsell some extras (a recurring theme).

None of that mattered however when we got on board the Thomson Dream and found our cabin - number 5089: roughly amidships on the starboard side. It’s a lovely room, with a big comfortable double bed, en suite bathroom (with bath) and loads of space for all our stuff. This made us 2 very happy campers (sailors?)!

That day was spent having a lovely time eating all manner of foods and getting stuck in to our drinks package (which is very generous indeed…**). We met some lovely people throughout the day, and even though it’s a large ship (1500 passengers and about 600 crew) it’s nice that we see so many familiar faces each day.

Sadly, things started to go a bit wrong later on the Saturday night. I may have drunk a teensy tiny itsy bitsy tad too much and, while I was a gentleman all evening – making friends left right and centre, I also completely wrote off my first day at sea.

*Sorry Ireland, I meant Bold

**Unfortunately

Itinerary

This time tomorrow we will be in Lisbon, about to meet up with Rob and Maria for a last little giggle before we sail the ocean blue. I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am! I think the only way for you to understand is to show you where we'll be going...

AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHYYYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!

Is whats running through my head on a constant loop now. It's really distracting...

On a sadder note however, I recently got an email from Thomson telling us about the state of the weather...

Poor poor us... Really, I don't know how we'll survive...

Also, I've created this map to put the itinerary in perspective.